Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
