All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I met the friendliest cop last night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
