I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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