The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
