sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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