I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You are the jesus of drinking
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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