Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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