My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
