Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
