I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
