its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
