i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
