I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
