I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
