I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
