giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize