Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
