I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
