He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
