Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
