How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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