I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
