drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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