I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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