I've blown a few things in my day
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
