This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
