the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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