How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize