ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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