Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
