God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize