Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Never joke about your clitoris.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
