she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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