Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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