strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
God, you're like boner-b-gone
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
