hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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