i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
