We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
