The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
