I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
