3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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