You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
