I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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