i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
