the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
