Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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