the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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