True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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