Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
