i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
