I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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