the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
