I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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