On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Mom said you looked used
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
