I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
