We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
