so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
