; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Randomize
