"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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